The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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