Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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