also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
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5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
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You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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