If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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