this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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