You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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