Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
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I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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