sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
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Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
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Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize