just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
Randomize