I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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