I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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