Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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