I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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