Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
