Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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