I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
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Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
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she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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