toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
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she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
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The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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