So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
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By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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