Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
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Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
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Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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