I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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