my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
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It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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