Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize