i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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