I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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