I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
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You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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