I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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