Pants 0. Shit 1.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just gift wrapped bread.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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