his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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