I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
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Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
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He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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