I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
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I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize