even my farts smell like vagina
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
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She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
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I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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