Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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