whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize