I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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