please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
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I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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