Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
