Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize