I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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