i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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