So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
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seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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