i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize