My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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