She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
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I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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