What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize