we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
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Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
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She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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