you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
