dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
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after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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