Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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