Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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