i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
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Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
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I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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