Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize